A Parent’s Reflection on Grief and Depression, Informed by Research
After my son’s dad died, I learned quickly that grief doesn’t always look the way you expect. Some days were quiet. Some were wild. Some felt like everything was fine—until it wasn’t.
As a parent, I kept asking myself:
Is this normal grief, or is something more going on?
Do I comfort him—or call someone?
How do I even know the difference?
I’m not a therapist. But I am a mom who went searching for answers. I’ve talked to pediatricians, read every article I could find, and more importantly—I’ve watched closely. I’ve paid attention to what showed up in our home. What helped. What didn’t.
I want to share what I’ve learned, in case it helps you feel a little more steady on a shaky path.
Grief Doesn’t Always Look Like Sadness
When adults think of grief, we picture tears. But with kids, it’s rarely that simple.
Grief in children can look like:
- Meltdowns over something small
- Not wanting to talk about what happened
- Bursts of anger, then nothing
- Big emotions around things that seem unrelated
- Or… silence
In our house, a fight about bedtime wasn’t always about bedtime. A meltdown over the wrong cereal wasn’t about cereal. Sometimes, it was just all the sadness bubbling out sideways.
Kids grieve in spurts. In moments. In spirals. And often, they don’t have the words to explain it.
When to Worry: Grief and Depression
Grief is painful, but it’s also a process. Depression is different—it can get stuck.
From everything I’ve read and heard, here are a few ways to tell the difference:
Grief:
- Comes and goes—some days are harder than others
- Kids still laugh or enjoy some activities
- Emotional responses vary, but they’re connected to the loss
- Gradually becomes easier to talk about over time
Possible Depression:
- Persistent sadness or flatness, even during fun activities
- Withdrawing from friends or family, staying in their room a lot
- Ongoing sleep or appetite changes
- Feeling worthless or hopeless
- Thoughts or talk of wanting to disappear
In my case, I watched for patterns. Not just bad days—but changes that didn’t let up. If you’re unsure, talk to your pediatrician. Even just naming your concern out loud—“I’m not sure if this is grief or depression”—can be enough to open the right doors.
What Helped Us
I didn’t have all the answers. But here are a few things that helped:
- Letting him feel what he felt. I didn’t rush him to be okay.
- Watching patterns, not moments. Bad days happen. I looked for what kept coming up.
- Keeping the conversation open. Even if he didn’t want to talk, I reminded him that I was here.
- Asking for help. I reached out to his doctor and found a counselor who could support us both.
Trusted Resources for Parents
Here are a few expert sources I found helpful:
- Child Mind Institute – Grief and Depression
- National Alliance for Children’s Grief
- Dougy Center: The National Grief Center for Children & Families
- Crisis Text Line – Text HOME to 741741
Final Thoughts
Grief doesn’t follow a map. But you don’t have to get lost in it either.
If your child is acting differently, trust your gut. Ask questions. Take notes. Don’t be afraid to speak up. You’re not being dramatic — you’re being a parent.
And if you need a sign that you’re doing enough: this might be it.
That’s part of why I wrote I’m Small But I Lost Someone Big. I wanted other families to feel less alone in this process — to have something they could read together, even when nothing else made sense.
