From a Mom Who’s Been There
When my son lost his dad, I had no idea what to say. I wasn’t just navigating my own grief — I was trying to help a six-year-old make sense of something I could barely name myself.
There’s no perfect script for this. But after going through it, I’ve learned a few things — and I’ve also learned from experts what helps and what hurts. This post brings those things together: a mix of lived experience and evidence-backed guidance for anyone trying to support a grieving child.
Tell the Truth, Even When It’s Hard
One of the biggest mistakes we make is trying to soften the blow with vague words like “passed away” or “went to sleep.” I understand the instinct — but those phrases can confuse kids and create more anxiety.
I told my son the truth, as gently and clearly as I could: his dad died by suicide. I didn’t overload him with details, but I didn’t hide what happened. Research backs this up — kids who are told the truth in age-appropriate language are less likely to experience long-term distress or anxiety about future losses.
Source → Child Mind Institute
Validate Every Feeling
Grieving children feel a full spectrum of emotions: sadness, fear, guilt, confusion, even anger. Some are loud about it. Others go quiet.
My son didn’t cry much. He didn’t want to talk. But sometimes he’d bring up a memory out of the blue — like it had just happened. I learned not to push, not to correct, not to expect anything specific. Just to show him that whatever he felt was okay.
Saying things like “It’s okay to feel sad or mad. I’m here with you” helps create a safe container for their emotions.
Source → Nationwide Children’s Hospital
What to Say to a Grieving Child
Here are a few phrases that worked for us — and that experts agree can help:
“I’m so sorry your dad died. I’m here if you want to talk.”
→ Names the loss, keeps the door open.
“It’s okay to feel sad, angry, or confused. All your feelings are welcome.”
→ Normalizes complicated emotions.
“I don’t know all the answers, but we’ll figure this out together.”
→ Offers presence, not perfection.
“What’s one memory of [name] you want to keep?”
→ Invites connection without pressure.
Source → Winston’s Wish
What Not to Say
Even well-meaning words can hurt. Here’s what I try to avoid — and why:
“They’re in a better place now.”
→ Confuses or dismisses the child’s real pain.
“Be strong.”
→ Implies they shouldn’t express emotion.
“Time heals everything.”
→ Minimizes their present hurt.
“At least you still have…”
→ Compares losses, which never helps.
Source → Laura Centre
Show Up and Stay Present
Sometimes the best thing you can do is not say anything. Just be there.
Grief in children doesn’t follow a timeline. It can come out sideways. Some days are loud. Some are quiet. Some are filled with questions — others with silence.
It helps to show up consistently — not just at the funeral, but later. Ask if they want to talk. Invite them to do a memory box or draw a picture. Read a book together.
Grief is a long process, not a moment. Just being present matters more than saying the perfect thing.
Source → ASU Family Bereavement Program
Final Thoughts
You don’t have to be a therapist to support a grieving child. You just have to show up, tell the truth with care, and make space for whatever they’re feeling.
I’m still figuring it out, too. But if you’re here reading this, you’re already doing one of the most important things: trying. And that means the world.
